Thursday, July 7, 2011

Stagnant water

Today, I got back my Prelim 1 results which weren't up to standard (as always). It's never going to be. I did try, or perhaps attempt to try, but it just wasn't my best. Maybe because I've lowered the bar so much that I don't even seem try and give in just like that. Sometimes I feel, "what if my best isn't good enough?" what am I supposed to do then? What can I do? What if my best equivalent to everyone's worse? What if I can never do this?

This prelim really got me thinking, that I've only got weeks to the next prelim and 4 months to the big national examination...and what if I can never meet my expectations. Or even improve at all. Also that I don't think I'm suited for all this studying.

As much as I really want to get into a Junior College, it's just only because I want to please my parents, and partially also because that it's a wider platform for me, before I'm actually clear of what I really want of my future.

I will definitely head to Junior College, but only if my results ever allow me to get in. At the same time, if I do get into Junior College, I don't really know if I can keep my sanity for another 2 years just studying topics I may not even want to further in. It's not that I'm biased towards Polytechnic because of the stress in Junior College - I understand that both will definitely be stressful (there's no easy way out in life), but I keep wondering if we do have anything to live for/ if there's a meaning to life? Why is it necessary to study the irrelevance? How will it help us?

Furthermore, when we grow up, we work. In the end we all just want to earn money and survive in this world. Junior college (2 years) > Bachelor Degree (2-3 years) just to achieve a higher pay (after 5 years) and Diploma (3 years) > Workforce (a few years) > Higher pay after experience of a few years. Are they not nearly the same? Just different paths...

To be honest, I'm debating myself, and I'll just be forever debating myself. Will it be worth it to lose my sanity just to please my family? Will it be worth going through the torture (all over again)? I would think so, since it's only two years, but two's such a small number, but yet such a long time.

Everyone says "It's only two years," "Hey, you survived 10 years of being in school," but really, everyone is different.

I just want to get better grades. I need to. I need to push myself. I need to taste the sweetness of achievement. The sense of satisfaction. No matter how much/ hard I try, my grades forever remain stagnant.

Stagnancy is better than deproving right? But no, stagnancy is a sign that I'm contented with my results. I'm not, but I can't seem to improve. I don't know how. I just wish I knew how.

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