Stagnant water

Today, I got back my Prelim 1 results which weren't up to standard (as always). It's never going to be. I did try, or perhaps attempt to try, but it just wasn't my best. Maybe because I've lowered the bar so much that I don't even seem try and give in just like that. Sometimes I feel, "what if my best isn't good enough?" what am I supposed to do then? What can I do? What if my best equivalent to everyone's worse? What if I can never do this?

This prelim really got me thinking, that I've only got weeks to the next prelim and 4 months to the big national examination...and what if I can never meet my expectations. Or even improve at all. Also that I don't think I'm suited for all this studying.

As much as I really want to get into a Junior College, it's just only because I want to please my parents, and partially also because that it's a wider platform for me, before I'm actually clear of what I really want of my future.

I will definitely head to Junior College, but only if my results ever allow me to get in. At the same time, if I do get into Junior College, I don't really know if I can keep my sanity for another 2 years just studying topics I may not even want to further in. It's not that I'm biased towards Polytechnic because of the stress in Junior College - I understand that both will definitely be stressful (there's no easy way out in life), but I keep wondering if we do have anything to live for/ if there's a meaning to life? Why is it necessary to study the irrelevance? How will it help us?

Furthermore, when we grow up, we work. In the end we all just want to earn money and survive in this world. Junior college (2 years) > Bachelor Degree (2-3 years) just to achieve a higher pay (after 5 years) and Diploma (3 years) > Workforce (a few years) > Higher pay after experience of a few years. Are they not nearly the same? Just different paths...

To be honest, I'm debating myself, and I'll just be forever debating myself. Will it be worth it to lose my sanity just to please my family? Will it be worth going through the torture (all over again)? I would think so, since it's only two years, but two years...it's such a small number, but yet such a long time.

Everyone says "It's only two years," "Hey, you survived 10 years of being in school," but really, everyone is different.

I just want to get better grades. I need to. I need to push myself. I need to taste the sweetness of achievement. The sense of satisfaction. No matter how much/ hard I try, my grades forever remain stagnant.

Stagnancy is better than deproving right? But no, stagnancy is a sign that I'm contented with my results. I'm not, but I can't seem to improve. I don't know how. I just wish I knew how.

Impossible

Suddenly I feel like giving up on everything and move away to some place new, where no one knows my name... a place I feel I belong, doing a job/ doing something I feel satisfied and contented with, going places/travelling non-stop. Damn, but there's not the slightest chance that you can go places without a proper degree. It's crazy, I know, but sometimes I just can't wait to find out what the future has in store for me. Doesn't the future feel so far away, yet so close....like it's breathing right down your neck? Goddammit, why do I look forward to something that I fear so much? Does that even make any sense?

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope

I think I have to get into a junior college. I'll be screwed if I don't. I'll be letting both sides of my family down (because they all are expecting me to choose and study hard to get into a JC). I know I'm not suppose to be living for others, but I'm only a teenager and I depend on my family at this age. It's only a few more years right? If I get into a junior college and excel (fat chance), that's a year lesser spent wasting my lifeline away? Priorities, priorities - family's > my own.

I always put others before myself, I need to start voicing out MY own wants..but not yet, not just yet.

I'm scared. Now I'm doubting myself, I'm doubting if I'm open for the adventure and thrill to leave everything behind and go to a new country without my family. I'm doubting if I'm ready.

"Growing up, that's life," Well f**k life.

It's only the second day that we've returned back school but it's killing me. I'm tired as f*&?#$!k, I'm unsure of  which course I want to take and which path to head to (JC/ CI/ poly), and In 10 months' time, I'll be sitting for my O level. It may seem really far away, but I don't want to regret. I don't want to lead a relaxed lifestyle for the next few months then freak out and panic as the prelims and major examination inches (which I know I may unknowingly lead myself to).

I really hate making decisions. I really hate growing up. I wish I knew...I really do.